Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
