true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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