Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
