I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
