I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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