That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
