sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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