you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize