i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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