filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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