I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
