Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
