well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
