I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
