i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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