Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
