listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
is it fun? or sober?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
