What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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