so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
