So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
