Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
