Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
