Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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