I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize