so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I can't turn off my feet"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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