I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
