I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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