oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
