I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
