I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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