So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
