Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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