So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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