I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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