Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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