I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
