Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize