bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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