i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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