my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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