we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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