The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
