I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
