I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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