all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
