I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
