everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
my liver is dry heaving
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize