So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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