So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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