I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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