Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize