My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize