Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
