I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
