so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
