i think my tv is drunk
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
