he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
