i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
