sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
