Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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