dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
MIDGETS
????
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
