the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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