I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Randomize
